Children Taking Care of Aging Parents, my Story

December 6, 2009  was the day I joined the children taking care of aging parents club.  I was with my husband and daughter at a home improvement store when I got a call from my Mom.  She told me that my Father was on the floor and she couldn't get him up.  He was mumbling, and it was obvious that my Mom was panicked.  I told her to call 911, and I would get there as soon as I could.  I was about an hour away, it would be the longest hour of my life. 

It turned out my Dad who had always been healthy, had a stroke.  He was lucky, because he had been found by my Mother shortly after his stroke, he was given TPA.  TPA is a drug that thins the blood and breaks up the clot, it is only effective if administered shortly after the stoke occurs.

Incredibly my Dad is physically fine.  The only long lasting problem has been the lack of confidence he has suffered.  He was fearful, and rightly so.  I was terrified.  My father had never had any serious medical problems (that we knew of), seemed in perfect health, and was very active for a 79 year old man.  After months of tests it turned out that he had an irregular heartbeat.  This irregular heartbeat was the reason for the stroke.  He has a defibrillator now, and that is taking care of the irregular beat.  

Unfortunately that day was the day that made my parents old people. 

As the day, weeks and months ensued, I found myself trying to tell my father tactfully what to do, and what not to do. There is an art to this, you can't say "don't do...), remember our parents are adults. You have to highly suggest, or use emotional blackmail. Yes, I said it emotional blackmail. I will often tell my Mom, "please don't go out and get the newspaper, it's really icy out there, and I don't know what I would do if you got hurt". It works, and I'm all for what works.

This past year has been difficult, my parents have aged tremendously from the stress that occurs when a tragedy happens.  I worry about them constantly, and feel pressure in trying to care for them best as I can.  Having to put their mind at ease when mine is not.

1. Plan ahead, one day your parents may need assisted living, adult daycare or need to live with you.  Discuss   options with your spouse, children if you have them.  Don't wait until the day arrives when a decision has to be made quickly. 

2.  Check out services in your area for the elderly, you'd be surprised at what's out there.

3.  Have a discussion with siblings ahead of time to determine who will do what, so that there will be equal distribution of duties or financial obligation.

4. If you are feeling isolated or burdened with the responsibility, seek help.  This may be talking to a friend, or psychologist.